i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
