I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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