you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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