We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
