I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
