How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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