I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
