I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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