and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
