i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She's the barista slut.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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