I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
