Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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