I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
