remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
