I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
