they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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