BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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