Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
