omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
