Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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