the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
