Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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