nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize