dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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