i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
