you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
