so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
