Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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