we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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