Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
