So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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