The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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