My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
