I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
