Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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