I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
