I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
