How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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