i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
