My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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