***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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