Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
