you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
