Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I will pee on everything he values.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
