I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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