Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
