His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Farmville is her only friend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I still have a little drunk in my system
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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