mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
