some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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