Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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