i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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