I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
