dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
