my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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