If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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