I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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