I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
