Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
