Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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