I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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