now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
