hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
